We’ve all had that best friend who you thought you knew everything about. You thought that you would be friends forever and always have each others back. You made plans to live in an apartment together and work at the same place because it seemed like you would at the time. Don’t deny ever having done this. We all have at some point.
And then something happens and you realise that the only reason you’re friends is because you’re stuck together for 5 days of the week.
This is a terrible feeling, I know from personal experience and I know that it happens to a lot of people, especially after school when you aren’t stuck together for the majority of your week and have your own life to live.
I have had this happen to me a few times, due to different things. Most recently, I have drifted apart from a friend of mine (for the sake of privacy, we’ll call her Alice.) We had been very close friends for three years, which is since I have moved to the school I am at now. We had so much in common, we were both into music and books and a lot of other stuff. We went together like peas and carrots (as Forrest Gump would say.)
But then Alice started becoming really self-obsessed and fake. She wanted to be popular, so she started changing the way she looked and the way she acted. A new haircut, a tonne of make up and a vocabulary change-up consisting of mostly swear words later and I needed to move away from her. I tried to tell her that being popular wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, but she wouldn’t listen. She revelled in the drama and the ‘coolness’ of it all.
So I slowly stopped hanging out with Alice and her new ‘friends’. I started hanging out with different groups at school until I found some new friends who saw my personality before they saw how I looked. And it felt strange and foreign for someone to care about what I had to say and was willing to listen.
That was about when I worked out that I had done the right thing by moving away from that destructive friendship. I realised that being ditched by my closest friend wasn’t appropriate and not being listened to when I spoke wasn’t fair.
I guess, for a while I felt like the way I was being treated was okay and what I deserved. It was my fault and I wasn’t an interesting enough person for her. I was in her way when it came to being popular and I accepted that the friendship I was in was enough.
So when I finally decided that I was done with that relationship, it felt strange to be wanted when I was used to feeling so worthless and useless.
I honestly don’t regret leaving her behind at all in hindsight. We both wanted different things out of high school. She wanted to be popular and I wanted to make friends that would last. So we had to go separate ways.
And that was that.
We were okay and often shared small talk or complained about subjects in form but we didn’t really know each other anymore. It’s not like I’m very different, I was just happier, but she is almost a completely different person. She had changed so much to fit into her new group. It made me a little sad but it really wasn’t my business anymore.
Everything was fine, until the other day. I wanted to meet up with one of my best friends (her name can be Emma) who had moved away earlier in the year and I hadn’t seen her since. She came down to visit us and she organised for us to meet at the movies.
I was super excited… until I found out that Alice was going to be there. It wasn’t that I was avoiding her, I was just nervous. I didn’t know how it was going to pan out and if she was going to act like usual. Last year, Emma, Alice and I had been the three musketeers. She had gone away for 6 months and now we weren’t anything.
It wasn’t too bad. But it still sucked and I wished we could go back to our friendship from 6 months ago. If only just for the day. I fit right back together with Emma, like we she was a lost puzzle piece but there was a distance between Alice and I that no joking around could bridge. She acted like she would normally have 6 months ago, which was jokey and sarcastic. Except, when she made fun of my when I did something silly like trip on a flat surface (which is a common occurrence for me) it didn’t feel light-hearted like it used to. It felt like a stab to the chest. I could tell some part of her actually meant it and it hurt.
It may seem a little silly and petty but it feels really important to me. It’s a terrible feeling to lose someone who means a lot to even if it is by choice.
So I went to my pal, good old trusty Google and found some tips on getting closure when a friendship ends. Specifically, I found 8 Steps to Closure When a Friendship Ends, which I thought was very helpful. The most important point, I thought was the idea of writing a letter. Not one to give to them, that might end badly… but writing what you think and what you would like to say, if it it was appropriate. No one ever has to see it but I find that things make a lot more sense when they are one paper. And it could help to let off a bit of steam.
So I’m going to try a few of these steps and see if they help me to fully move on from that relationship. If you’ve been through a tough friendship or relationship, I would encourage that you try it too.
Here’s something to think about-
‘There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who do not. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.’
–José N. Harris
I hope you enjoyed this post, if you did (or didn’t) let me know. I hope you guys are having a great day and aren’t having any trouble with friendships or relationships but if you are, I hope this might help you. Sometimes, I find, that knowing someone else was in my position makes me feel a little better.
Thanks for reading
Lots of love and virtual hugs xx