It seems to me that there come a point in many people’s lives where they can no longer be surprised by anything or anyone. Either because they have been hurt by someone or are just smart enough to prevent themselves from being hurt. For whatever reason we put up this invisible wall.
People can’t see it and probably don’t notice the difference, sometimes even we can’t tell that we’ve put it there. It was a subtle trick of our subconscious in an attempt to protect us from others… and ourselves. We go about our lives quite the same as before but more cautious, I suppose. So careful to not fall into the same trap, set by a different person.
They tell you it will be beautiful, and you’ll be happy. That might be true. In fact, it’s even better than they told you. A hundred times more beautiful and you are a hundred times more happy. It cannot be accurately described in words. But it’s kind of like eating too much chocolate. (Okay, so it’s not the best comparison but oh well.) It starts out amazing and you wonder if you could possibly be happier than at that moment in time. You honestly believe that everything will be fine forever. But too much of a good thing, won’t be good for long (in the words of Sam Smith.) And once it’s gone, you’re left broken and with missing pieces.
Alone and hopeless.
Where did the light go? Something so bright couldn’t possibly burn out so quickly. There was no warning before the apocalypse. No time to prepare for the burns.
It’s like a stimulant drug. How they say that once you’ve tried it, the high will never compare to any other emotion. Any happiness you feel from now on will be a shadow in comparison. The invisible wall is now up. Impenetrable. Bulletproof.
You try so hard to avoid it happening again but you still have a ray of hope in the back of your mind. You’re sure this time is different. It’s about time you gave it another shot and opened up to someone new. So you take a chance. You break down the wall piece by piece. You feel again and it’s strange at first, but it’s warm and bright and happy.
But you were fooled twice. So shame on you.
This time you go down harder and the mess takes twice as long to clean up. That wall though? It goes straight back up. You hide behind it and you learn to not feel. That’s the easier way, isn’t it? Maybe it is, but it is also lonely. And cold and dark. That last ray of hope is swallowed by pain and grief and sadness.
And you? Well, you’re not really there either. You go about life sheltered from everything by that wall. And the wall stays there now, possibly for good. If you try again, it’s only half-hearted.
But that isn’t the right term because your heart was stolen, torn and then thrown to the floor. It’s still over there, swept aside and forgotten. Past the hope of repair. Just… there. You let people tell you they love you, but you don’t believe them. You tell them what you want them to hear, but you don’t mean it. And when they’re done, you don’t blame them for walking away from you.
Unscathed. Not a scratch for either of you. This is easier and safer. You can no longer be surprised by anything or anyone. You can’t be hurt either because your wall is bulletproof. Safe and sound. Fine. Okay. It’s lonely and dark. But safe.
*Okay, I know this is depressing but I wrote this recently, after being in a relationship. It was quite short and nothing much came out of it but I was far more invested in it than he was. And he was sweet and I was naive. I believed everything he said and I was left behind when he moved on. I was so desperate to believe that someone thought of me like that and wanted to be with me like that. It seemed like he felt the same. It ended fairly dramatically and I still don’t know why. And so I still don’t really have closure with that.
So I wrote this and I think it could be true for a lot of people. I am still scared to start anything with anyone else. And I’m scared to tell people personal things about me, because I could get hurt.
I know I’m just in high school and I realise that nothing is going to last forever. I knew it wouldn’t but I didn’t expect it to end so soon and without any warning like it did. And to realise that the feeling that you were special was all based on lies.
I am trying to be more open with people and to let people in but it’s so hard when I’ve been hiding for such a long time. So I decided to write this post to make the goal official.
I am going to be more open with people.
So there it is.
If any of you relate to feeling like this, I want you to know that it does get better. I know it’s cliché but it does and it will. Even if it seems like it won’t. If you need some happy, you should check out my post Happiness Equation. To make you feel a little better, here’s three things to make you smile. Well they made me smile, anyway.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I love you all, even though I don’t know you. Spread love!
Virtual hugs! xx ❤