Be Yourself

If I could give you all one piece of advice, it would be to stay true to yourself. I have learnt the hard way what changing yourself for others can do to you.

The story starts, I was a shy girl who didn’t have a lot of important things to say, but would listen when you needed me too. All I wanted was to be loved, wanted, included. The only way to achieve this was to change myself. That was the only way that I could see. At the time, anyway. It’s a cliche, I know, but it was my reality.

So, I made friends with people on the outskirts of popularity and weaved my way into their circle. I did what I had to. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t brutal or anything. But you could say I used people. Their names. Their stories. Real or fake. It didn’t matter. Everyone likes a bit of gossip and I was just like everyone else. Right?

It didn’t matter what anyone else though of me, only what my ‘friends’ thought. I was living the dream. On cloud nine. I changed my hair, wore make-up and said all the right things. Things were great.

And then I woke up.

And realised that none of that had actually happened. I stumbled my way to get in that group. And I didn’t use anybody. Who does that? I was too scared to open my mouth, let alone say anything negative… or positive for that matter. I was scared of what they would think. Of me. I was just there. They just put up with me.

I also realised, that nothing much had change. I was still a shy, little girl, but lost in a bigger crowd. And I stuck out. I just wouldn’t fit in. Nothing could change that. Not even make-up. I just didn’t have it. But I convinced myself that I was exactly like all the rest of them and I belonged, because I wanted to belong so damn badly.

But I didn’t. Not one little bit.

All of that ‘greatness’ and ‘fitting in,’ was all just a giant layer of delusion, wrapped in wishful thinking.

Suddenly, I could see through all of them. I could see through all their crap. And I couldn’t do it anymore.

Things had been going on like this for some time, before I woke up. I had so little self-esteem and self-respect left, that at first I couldn’t find a way out of it. I truly was lost in the crowd. It wasn’t worth it anymore. I wasn’t worth it anymore.

But slowly, very slowly, I crawled, and then walked and then ran from the clutches of the social hierarchy I had put myself in. There was no-one to blame, but me.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing from then on. It still isn’t. I was totally lost and I had forgotten who I was. Finding myself, after drowning her for so long, was difficult. I still question whether or not I’m being myself. I don’t know, who myself is.

But I guess, that’s kind of exciting, because I get to discover her again, piece by piece. And welcome her back. And apologize profusely. I get to rebuild that self worth I lost.

It’s a long and hard journey. I am happier. Myself is happier. And I’m more of a person now, rather than a cloned result of societal expectations. I like me. Love is yet to come, but we all know it takes time.

So, when asked what one piece of advice I would give to others, it would be this…

Be yourself. Stay who you are and stand strong in your beliefs, morals, hopes and dreams. There is no-one else who can be a better you. Some people won’t believe it.

So prove it to them.


Thank you for reading!

Lot of love,

BelleInfini

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3 thoughts on “Be Yourself

  1. Katho28 says:

    Thank you for writing this piece – I can relate to so much of it. For so long, I stuck with a crowd of so-called friends who tolerated me but did not have any connection to me whatsoever. I thought that the more friends you had, the better off you were. But only now do I realise that quality is so much more important than quantity. I had this huge wake-up call and I left that group of ‘friends’, and to this day, I don’t regret that decision at all. I have only a few friends now, but they make me happier than that group of friends ever did. And I can finally – as your post advises – be myself, be the person I am most comfortable being.

    Like

    • belleinfini says:

      I’m so glad you can relate to what I’ve written. That makes me so happy. 🙂 It’s a tough thing to realise that when it comes to friendships, quality means more than quantity, but it’s so true what you’ve said. Thank you so much for commenting about your experience. xx

      Liked by 1 person

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