Here’s the Thing

So at the end of January I started my second last year of high school (so close, yet so far…) and since then I have posted a grand total of… once. Yeah, I would apologise for that, but I feel like most people probably haven’t even noticed. I’m not bitter, just realistic.

I knew this year was going to be hard, I was well aware. Year 11 at my school is commonly referred to as the Year of Tears. So, yeah I had pretty high expectations of the difficultness of this year (please excuse the wording, my brain is currently fried.) But I was not expecting anything like this.

tumblr_mibk8c2u8e1qj065bo1_400.jpg

 

Let me paint a picture.

I go to school six hours a day, eight if you count travel time, which I totally do. I come home and have to do 2-4 hours a night. A NIGHT.

I don’t know about you or anyone else, but I don’t have the concentration to be able to sit down and well concentrate for that length of time.

I sleep 6-7 hours on a good night. I work 8-10 ish hours in a day. I am expected to firstly keep sane, as well as, keep fit and active and maintain extra- curricular activities because they look good on your resume. Not to mention, having a job. I have a job as a assistant dance teacher once a week from 3 until 8 and don’t get paid. So apparently that doesn’t count. I need to get a job, so that I can save for Uni etc., but when am I supposed to fit it in without it affecting my grades?

tumblr_mh1kim8CdH1rjzhhro1_500_large.jpg

I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking it, but this seems like a bit of a vicious cycle that keeps spinning faster and with more… viciousness (?).

How about I just show you a picture:

This is everything that I have to do this weekend for all of my classes. The highlighted is what I’ve actually been able to complete.

img_1181.jpg

I need to go to school and get good grades so I can go to University. I need to have extra curricular because they look good on applications. I need a job so that I can save for University and so that I can get jobs in the future. I need to sleep, because functioning and life.

So, if I may ask, when am I supposed to relax? When am I supposed to enjoy myself and not want to die in a hole because of this torturous cycle of repetition? When am I supposed to breathe?

tumblr_mdquj7M0IW1rlr24zo1_500.gif

My skin is not dealing and is actually the worst it has even been, when usually it is completely clear. Trust me I have tried everything. I can’t sleep because I’m worrying about things I need to do. The house is a mess and I never have uniforms because I don’t have the time to wash them. I want to cry 90% of the time and have no energy at all. I just want to lay in bed and watch Reign and Shadowhunters and read my book and eat crappy food. Or die in a hole. A deep dark one full of worms. (It really depends on the day).

I’m not being ungrateful for what I have. I realise I’m very lucky. I also know that I’m not the only one in this position. So let me just say this, I realise these things are important but if it is severely effecting our mental health, well, maybe something’s not right. Maybe something is wrong.

I have mild depression and a tad of anxiety, which I know aren’t uncommon, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. Both of these things are caused and amplified by the school workload. I am also aware that ‘school is the easiest part of life, enjoy it while it lasts’. I have had this speech many times, but surprisingly it doesn’t really help me, like at all.

tumblr_ndf4gosZHu1ro175io1_400.jpg

Is anyone else in this position? How are you coping?

For those who have already graduated, do you have any tips or consolations for us? Feel free to tease us to, if you will.


I genuinely enjoyed ranting just then. I might be back more often to just rant. We’ll see.

I hope you don’t feel like dying in a hole today.

Love you,

Ellie ❤ xx

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Here’s the Thing

  1. sue's reading corner says:

    I’ve never been through A levels, but I have been through my final year of uni and I understand where you’re coming from; it feels as if there is not enough time in the day to do all the things you need to do. How I got through it was remembering that it will be over soon. At this point, I think it’s almost over for you, seeing as it’s the end of May. Nonetheless, I wish you the best on your success!

    Like

  2. burhanabban says:

    Hey! I went through the same when I was in high school. Now in med school, my schedule is somewhat relaxed, since I don’t take part in as many extra curriculars, but in my alevels, I literally took part in everything. Student council, drama, debates, music, I was everywhere. And trust me when I say I know what it feels like. I’ve been through this phase, and initially I started hating people for no reason and became really really angry. The solution, really, is sleep.
    What you need to do is relax and make a timetable. I know it’s going to be difficult at first, because extra curriculars keep popping up everywhere, this competition that competition. But that doesn’t matter. Ignore them and make a timetable. Study on the weekends, or one day. I only study on Saturdays now. Keep one day in which you revise everything you did in school the past week. Nearing exams, extra curriculars will be over so you’ll have time to study. But for now, limit it. Keep 6 to 7 hours every day for sleep. Make a bed time and follow it religiously. Pack sunshine in your day, sleep at night. And drink lots and lots of water. These things will calm your nerves and help you deal with everything in a better way. You won’t see the darkness in life. Everyone has been through this phase. But it is that only, a phase, it’ll pass. Hope I helped. Email me if you want further help. You’ll find it on my blog in the about me Page.

    Liked by 1 person

    • belleinfini says:

      Hi there and thank you so much for such a thoughtful comment. I definitely think a better routine will help me greatly, even if to just calm my nerves. Thank you for sharing your experiences and tips, it means the world to me. *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Tasha says:

    Hi! I’m really not the best person to give advice or anything but I just graduated and I’ll try my best with this.
    First, don’t feel bad about any of this, it really isn’t your fault. From what I can see you’re trying your very best to make things work.
    If you feel like crying, cry. Find a time and place where you feel comfortable and just let the tears flow. If you feel like you need a “reason” to cry, like, you need to justify it, put on a movie like P.S. I Love You or read a sad book and cry your heart out. It won’t fix all your problems but sometimes it helps to let out your frustration and sadness.
    Another thing you can do is, when you’re home alone or in an open field, scream! Scream and shout about life, curse, swear, whatever, it doesn’t have to be coherent. You just need to vent and unload to no specific person.
    And I am willing to bet the people who say ‘school is the easiest part of life, enjoy it while it lasts’ are adults who have forgotten the trials of high school. No offense to them but they don’t really know what they’re saying. There is no easy part of life, there will always be difficulties, just different types of ’em for different stages of life. But they are comparing problems in high school with problems in the office. Which are two very different issues for people in different stages of life. Doesn’t make your difficulties in HS any less real or hard.
    If you feel better ranting on WordPress, then do it. We won’t judge you for it.
    I can’t guarantee what I suggested will work for you but I hope it does.
    Also, if you ever need anyone to talk to, here’s my email: headinthecloudsheartinthebooks@gmail.com || Don’t hesitate to contact me on it for whatever reason.
    Sending giant hugs your way! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. claireldavis says:

    Hi Ellie. So I finished high school a long time ago now (year 11 was 9 years ago for me, can’t BELIEVE it) and want to wholeheartedly assure you it gets BETTER! Despite what everybody says, I actually found GCSEs the hardest, the most stressful. I understand the anxiety and feeling near tears and having this dull weight that feels like it never lift. But just push through because there is light on the other side! I adored sixth form – fewer subjects, more time back for myself – and uni is time to focus on just a handful of things that really matter. But then life after study? In the real world with no homework or grades or part time jobs or stressed out teenage skin? It has surprised me by being the best part. I liked school, but I was undeniably stressed during the last part, the year you’re going through. And just so you know, “the best time of your life” is very subjective. I have a hunch yours is still yet to come. So take comfort in that and take each day as it comes! (And drink camomile tea, with honey. It’s soothing.) Good luck! X

    Liked by 1 person

    • belleinfini says:

      Thank you so very much for taking your time to write such beautiful comment. I feel better just knowing that someone else understands exactly how I’m feeling right now. Thank you for the tip with the camomile tea, I tried it last night and slept so well! Also, thank you for the perspective it really means a lot. 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s