So at the end of January I started my second last year of high school (so close, yet so far…) and since then I have posted a grand total of… once. Yeah, I would apologise for that, but I feel like most people probably haven’t even noticed. I’m not bitter, just realistic.
I knew this year was going to be hard, I was well aware. Year 11 at my school is commonly referred to as the Year of Tears. So, yeah I had pretty high expectations of the difficultness of this year (please excuse the wording, my brain is currently fried.) But I was not expecting anything like this.
Let me paint a picture.
I go to school six hours a day, eight if you count travel time, which I totally do. I come home and have to do 2-4 hours a night. A NIGHT.
I don’t know about you or anyone else, but I don’t have the concentration to be able to sit down and well concentrate for that length of time.
I sleep 6-7 hours on a good night. I work 8-10 ish hours in a day. I am expected to firstly keep sane, as well as, keep fit and active and maintain extra- curricular activities because they look good on your resume. Not to mention, having a job. I have a job as a assistant dance teacher once a week from 3 until 8 and don’t get paid. So apparently that doesn’t count. I need to get a job, so that I can save for Uni etc., but when am I supposed to fit it in without it affecting my grades?
I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking it, but this seems like a bit of a vicious cycle that keeps spinning faster and with more… viciousness (?).
How about I just show you a picture:
This is everything that I have to do this weekend for all of my classes. The highlighted is what I’ve actually been able to complete.
I need to go to school and get good grades so I can go to University. I need to have extra curricular because they look good on applications. I need a job so that I can save for University and so that I can get jobs in the future. I need to sleep, because functioning and life.
So, if I may ask, when am I supposed to relax? When am I supposed to enjoy myself and not want to die in a hole because of this torturous cycle of repetition? When am I supposed to breathe?
My skin is not dealing and is actually the worst it has even been, when usually it is completely clear. Trust me I have tried everything. I can’t sleep because I’m worrying about things I need to do. The house is a mess and I never have uniforms because I don’t have the time to wash them. I want to cry 90% of the time and have no energy at all. I just want to lay in bed and watch Reign and Shadowhunters and read my book and eat crappy food. Or die in a hole. A deep dark one full of worms. (It really depends on the day).
I’m not being ungrateful for what I have. I realise I’m very lucky. I also know that I’m not the only one in this position. So let me just say this, I realise these things are important but if it is severely effecting our mental health, well, maybe something’s not right. Maybe something is wrong.
I have mild depression and a tad of anxiety, which I know aren’t uncommon, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. Both of these things are caused and amplified by the school workload. I am also aware that ‘school is the easiest part of life, enjoy it while it lasts’. I have had this speech many times, but surprisingly it doesn’t really help me, like at all.
Is anyone else in this position? How are you coping?
For those who have already graduated, do you have any tips or consolations for us? Feel free to tease us to, if you will.
I genuinely enjoyed ranting just then. I might be back more often to just rant. We’ll see.
I hope you don’t feel like dying in a hole today.
Ellie ❤ xx